Take a look at me. I look the part of a strong confident woman. Superficially, I don't have many complaints. Some female counterparts have even mentioned wanting my life. Never would you have thought the dark past I had growing up. Would you really want my life knowing my emotional struggles?
We all know the teenage years are the toughest. Girls, in particular, had to deal with major transformations in their bodies and becoming a woman. I remember those days so vividly. I hid my curves--the small developing breasts, hips, and butt--ashamed so as not to attract attention from the opposite sex to those areas and to ellicit perverted thoughts. That kind of unsavory stares can make any young girl uncomfortable. It was no wonder I covered myself in long big tees and baggy pants, automatically categorizing myself a tomboy...if that's what it takes to be invisible. The thought of going out with a boy was unimaginable. I didn't know how to be a girly girl! So how on earth can I be with a boy? I hated everything about myself. My name. My body. My hair color. My face. My awkwardness. My non-prissiness.
The self-consciousness did not go away with age. Never was I satisfied with my body especially surrounded by bikini-clad models and celebrities with perfect shapes everywhere. Flat-chested and butt. However, I did have the feminine small and defined waist. Other than that, I could as well be mistaken for a guy if not for my face and long hair. I did NOT feel womanly...even until my early 20s. My self-esteem was in the pits.
Add to the mix, the woman who gave birth to me was always antagonistic towards me. Yes, I've uttered the shameful words, "I wish I was never born."
Mom was the sole contributer for my depression back in the tough pubescent years. Outward appearances aside. (She kills everyone with kindness...STRANGERS. And treats her family like shit. Except she's oblivious to what she's doing to everyone.) Always negative with her comments. Never affectionate. Never handed praises or any sort of positive reinforcements. Nothing was ever good enough--even when I stayed out of trouble. No drugs. No underaged drinking. No sex. No dating at all. I was the most obedient teen, despite the excessive hair-bleaching that resulted in a gawd-awful orange hue. She nagged me incessantly. Yah, it was pretty unsightly, even I must admit and immediately remedied the problem and dyed it back to brunette.
My teenage years were wrought with depression. It was obvious in the black clothing I cloaked myself in. Yup, she nagged me about that too. I'm not even free to express my sadness that you cause? With so many unreasonable restrictions to your life, how can one be happy? Suicide was on my mind a lot. I found myself often contemplating which form was the best way to go. I decided on sleeping pills.
The way she can drag our moods down is nothing short of astonishing. The month she lived with my sister after my niece's birth brought a serious case of postpartem depression to my poor sister. My dad has high blood pressure. I feel bad for him since we've all abandoned the nest to get as far away from her as humanly possible and he's stuck. She's always yelling at him. I feel so bad...his last years in sorrow living with someone like that.
Did I mention she is the master manipulator? A couple of years ago, she made up the fact she was having heart problems just so I would take her to the ER AFTER a long day of work. Her ultimate intention was to have her cast loosened a few months after her surgery. I was in the fuckin' ER until 2 AM and have work in a few hours. HOW selfish! She's always complained about the cast tightness. I don't think she's ever understood the purpose of wearing it.
To mommy dearest, there's always something wrong with me. Even now. FLAWED. Issues she brought up included my diet (stop eating cheese and drinking soda, does the dress you bought months ago still fit?), my clothing (she always hated whatever I wore), my hair, my snaggle tooth, my attitude problem (she's the only person who pushes my buttons and makes my temper flare)... I also had opposition in the decisions of my college major, moving out, purchasing a $28K car, changing jobs, and most likely my impending career change...
Current topic she harps on me now is getting married...maybe if I changed my attitude and fixed my anger problem, she suggested. WHAT are you talking about? Ask anyone...nobody would agree with you. Maybe it's YOU, NOT me!
We clashed all the time on almost every topic. She desired a close relationship with me. BUT how??? When you are so quick to crush my dreams? If not for you, I would have been a successful psychologist/therapist. Or I would already have become a chef. Instead of 8 years of misery in biotech--breathing problems from the chloroform accident and the repetitive stress injury to speak of.
I can never open up all my thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams with her since she'll put a negative spin on it no matter what. And oftentimes, I tell announce stuff that had already occurred and never things I am planning. Then years later, she finally accepts everything and realizes that I'm right. I do have a brain, you know. I am independent. I don't need you to boss me around. I'm a grown-ass woman.
There were times when I've been open with her but I've ALWAYS regretted it. Any conversations longer than 5 minutes tend to be unpleasant. I DO envy women with tight relationships with their moms. They're like best friends. It'll never happened for me...
Just like George Costanza (I may prefer his parents over my mother), I often wondered how differently I'll turn out had I had a normal, loving, supportive family. I wouldn't be so messed up today. Some people should not be allowed to parent and given the opportunity to fuck up someone really bad.
My greatest fear? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Ever since identifying the aspects in her personality that I disliked, I strived to be the exact opposite. It helped me to be the person that I am proud to be now. I'm scared of becoming LIKE her...maybe I'll finally off myself...
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